The Great American Road Trip

The day started with excitement and high hopes. That excitement turned to disappointment, anger, and a threat to have a certain member of our family escorted out of an amusement park by police. But don’t worry. This story has a happy ending…

This story really starts about a year ago. We had taken a quick trip at the end of summer to Disneyland. Our cross-country road trip was actually planned for last year, but people’s schedules and unforseen events caused me to pull the plug and save it for this year. So, we didn’t have a summer trip planned. This is a first for us. We always try to go somewhere. Camping, flying somewhere, road trips – we always do something. So last summer we made the drive to southern California for a weekend at Disneyland. It was fun, but Nathan, my youngest, had an epiphany. It came after a ride on Space Mountain. The ride was not fun. 14 years old at the time, Nathan, who had grown to almost 6′ 5″, did not fit in the ride comfortably (something I’ve had to deal with since I was his age!). In fact, the ride actually hurt. Afterwards, Nathan was despondent: What if I grew to be too big to ever ride roller coasters again!?!

Later, at home, Nathan asked me a question: “Are there any amusement parks at any of the places we might be going to next summer? It might be the last time I ever get to ride roller coasters.” A little overly dramatic, I thought to myself, but then I realized that hey, this might actually be a problem! Immediately I searched my plans for our trip and then realized we were driving right by not only an amusement park, but one of THE amusement parks in the United States, with some of the MOST exciting roller coasters in the country: Cedar Point Amusement Park in Sandusky, Ohio. It is just an hour’s drive from Cleveland, and so at that moment, it became a part of our trip. Nathan was excited, and it became apparent that this was going to be his “farewell tour” to something he loves: roller coasters.

Flash forward to Day 23 of our road trip. It’s Saturday, so we know we should get there early. Only thing is, the park doesn’t open until 10:00 am – plenty of time for late risers to get there at the park’s opening. Sure enough, as we are about to hit our exit from the freeway to the park, the line of traffic begins. By the time we hit the parking lot, it’s 10:20. It took us 45 minutes to go 6 miles from freeway to parking lot. Then, there were lines to go through metal detectors (a very common thing on this entire trip, by the way), lines to have our tickets read, and lines to get our fast pass bracelets (which I had to pay extra for – but this was Nathan’s farewell tour, so I decided money was not going to be a barrier today for having some serious fun). Finally, it’s 10:54, but we are headed to our first ride of the day.

Now, because our son continues to grow, I knew that some of the rides had a height limit of 6′ 6″. I saw that online. We measured him before we left, and he was just a hair over 6′ 6″. “You’ll be fine, ” I assured him. This statement comes from years of going to amusement parks and seeing little kids clearly under the height limit get on rides. But this was a max-height limit. You don’t see those too often at these parks. Well, we are about to get seated in our first ride, when we are pulled aside by park personnel. “You guys look too tall. Please come over here and stand next to the sign.” At first they said, “You guys are too tall.” Now, I’m 6′ 5″. Have been most of my life. I’m also almost 52 years old. I KNOW that I have stopped growing, and I am not 6′ 6″! To top it off, Nolan is only 6′ 4″. So, I disputed this. They called in someone else to look at us. This time, only Nathan was too tall. Like I said, by a hair – maybe a 1/4 inch. Nope, he can’t ride. Okay, I can feel my blood pressure beginning to rise. I tell them that I measured him before we left. He’s 6′ 6″. The lady sends us back down to the front of the line where there is a “test seat”. If he fits in that well, then he’s okay. I protest, but finally decide to have him sit in the seat back at the entrance to the ride.

We get there, and Nathan sits in the seat. He fits perfectly fine. The park personnel at the test seat says, “You’re good for all the rides here.” Sweet. We go back up to the front, and they say, okay, you can ride. We again are about to get into the ride when we are pulled aside again, this time by the “ride manager”. We’ll call him Tyler – because his name is Tyler. “You can’t get on this ride,” he says. “That one is too tall,” pointing at Nathan. Oh, COME ON! Once again we are pulled out. I tell Tyler about already being told he’s too tall, going down to the “test seat”, being told he’s fine, etc. “We’ve already been through all of this and we’ve been told he’s okay.” Nope. Measure him again. Well, crap. We already know he is technically taller than their line. Again, I tell him what we’ve already been through. Doesn’t matter, he tells me. I’m the “ride manager”. I decide who gets to ride my ride. Now my blood is beginning to boil.

Tyler has Nathan take his shoes off and stand at the measuring line. Still a hair over 6′ 6″. “Nope, he’s too tall. He can’t ride.” Now, I look at Nathan, and he is beginning to tear up. He looks away so I can’t see, but it doesn’t matter. Now I can’t see. My blood has boiled over. I look down at Tyler, who is probably 5′ 6″, and I’m pretty sure I’m not looking too happy at this point. “Look,” I say. “We have driven 1,500 miles from Oregon, and I have spent a ton of money so that we can ride these rides. We measured him. He’s not too tall. I want someone to bring a tape measure and measure him. Your sign is wrong!” I know this is absurd, and when they measure him, I’m sure he’ll still be technically too tall. But I spent a lot of money, dammit, and not only that, but my son has been dreaming about this for over a year! Tyler then says the wrong thing: “I don’t have any way of measuring him. The sign is accurate, and I’M SAYING that he is not going to ride my ride. Maybe you can take him down to the Kiddie rides. They might have something to measure him there.” My reply is not suitable for young children. Let’s just say that I happened to use a whole rainbow of language to explain my displeasure. People standing nearby all take a step away from the large irate man. To Tyler’s credit, he doesn’t flinch. He just says, if you want, you can go to Customer Services at the front of the park and talk to someone there. I realize that this is not the time or place to continue this, so I say okay.

We get to Customer Services and are very polite explaining our issue. The lady is very nice and asks us to head into another room. Someone will come to talk to us. The room is air-conditioned and there are free bottles of water there. Probably designed this place for hot-heads like me.

We wait, probably 15 minutes. Nathan once again tears up as I talk about our options, one of which is to ask for a refund and leave. In my mind I’m going through other cities yet to come on our trip, and which ones have amusement parks: Louisville has one. So does St. Louis. But, I look up at my son crying, and I start to tear up too. That loud breaking sound is my heart falling to pieces for my son. This is all my fault. I brought him here and put him through this humiliation. It is all my fault. Then Herbert comes in.

Herbert reminds me of Jesse Tyler Ferguson who plays Mitchell on Modern Family. He is polite. I explain our problem. He confirms that ride managers are in control of who rides and who doesn’t. But your system is flawed, I said. Among other things, nobody could explain why my son was either a) in danger, or b) in what way 1/4″ made a difference. Tyler actually said that some rides have height limits on whether harnesses can fit, or their legs fit in the rides etc. I asked Tyler why they don’t measure people’s torsos or legs then, because everyone is different. Tyler had said it didn’t matter. Herbert agreed with Tyler. It didn’t matter. Okay, I’m not getting anywhere here. I ask about a full refund. We hadn’t even ridden one ride yet. Can’t do it, he says. There are 72 other rides here. He can ride most of them. Just not the 5 or 6 that have height limits. Here is where I can feel my blood beginning to rise again.

“Look,” I say. I go back over how we’ve driven here from Oregon, just to come and see this park, to ride those rides. We spent a buttload of money to enjoy ourselves here, and I’m beginning to feel that this whole thing is based on the arbitrary whims of some 24-year old who may or may not be having a bad day. This was ridiculous. We came here specifically to ride those rides which he can’t ride now. I want at least a partial refund for the fast passes.

This is what I said, more or less, and without swearing this time! But, apparently, my volume was slowly rising so that at the end, Herbert put his hand in the air, and when I had stopped, said,”Sir, if you raise your voice again, I will have you escorted out of the park by the police.” UUGGHHH! You have got to be kidding me. Wouldn’t it be great if this is how our day ends – with me getting escorted out by the Po-Po.

Okay, I said, I will keep it down. I tell him the truth: I am this boy’s father. Are you a father? No. Well, I look at him crying here, and it breaks my heart. I’m just trying to defend him here. He has been humiliated, and he has had his heart broken. I tell him they’re just roller coaster rides, but I know how much this trip has meant to him. And for all of this to be taken away because of 1/4″ just makes me mad and sad for him. Whatever. Apparently Herbert has a change of heart. He says he needs to talk to someone to see what he can do. Okay. We wait.

He comes back and says, basically, that they will refund our fast passes (which were more than half of the amount we paid for the day). Not only that, but he comped our food passes and upgraded them to all day dining passes. He says we can keep the fast passes for the rides we are able to ride on, but if Nathan wants to ride the rides that are 6′ 6″ or shorter, he’s going to have to go back to the first ride and get measured again – this time by Herbert. I object. I don’t want Nathan to have to go through all that again, just to be told he can’t ride. Herbert is firm: it’s either that, or he can’t ride. Finally, I ask Nathan, and he says he wants to get measured again. Okay then. Let’s go.

As we’re going out of the office, Herbert slips me another wad of certificates. “These are Exit passes,” he said. “This allows you to just go up to the exit of any ride in the park and skip the lines. Even the fast pass lines. You have enough for two rides each.” Well, Herbert is starting to look a little better in my eyes!

We get to the ride, called the “Gatekeeper”, and Nathan takes his shoes off. I mutter under my breath to him, “slouch.” He goes up there, and I SWEAR he looks even taller now! Like 6′ 7″! Jeez. Oh well, I think to myself. No rides for him. Nope. Herbert comes over and says, “he’s close enough. I’m going to allow him to ride all the rides here.” What!?! Herbert says he will call each of the ride managers and tell them the situation, and if we have any problems, tell them Herbert said it was okay. Well alright Herbert! I then see him going over to Tyler and talk to him. He comes back and says it’s been taken care of and we can get on this ride right now if we want. I look at Nathan and he nods, yes. Okay then, let’s go! We get into our seats, and none other than Tyler comes to lock us in. Now I’m feeling bad for Tyler for swearing at him. I’m also a little nervous that Tyler is our last barrier between safety and gruesome death. Tyler comes over to buckle me in. “Hey man, I’m sorry for swearing at you.” “No problem,” he says. “No, really, it was not cool of me.” He finishes buckling me in, and walks away, never once looking me in my eye. Oh well. It’s been a nice life…

We survive that ride, and we spend many more hours riding all the rides. We don’t leave until we’ve ridden everything we wanted to, and we were too exhausted to ride anymore. The boys both told me that they had a blast today. Sorry for all the “hassles”. I’m not sure who hassled whom. Not my finest moment as a human being, but one of my best moments as a dad. “Thank you for fighting for me,” says Nathan at the end of the day. “You’re the best.” Okay, maybe just this once, it was okay to be a raving lunatic I guess.

Some side notes:

• At no other ride today were we ever asked to measure ourselves because we were too tall. No one ever mentioned it. We never saw anybody get measured all day. That’s what I mean about arbitrary. 6′ 6″ should be a firm rule – it should not sit on the whims of one person.
• The top three rides, in order of greatness were: #1 Steel Vengeance, #2 Top-Thrill Dragster, #3 Raptor. Of those, Top-Thrill was the scariest, but it was only 17 seconds long. Steel Vengeance was a classic roller coaster (but with corkscrews), it was around 3 minutes long, and it seemed like you spent 2 of those minutes out of your seat. It truly was a thrill ride, and therefore it got #1 unanimously amongst us.

All in all, it was a stressful, tiring, but ultimately fun day. I didn’t get arrested, and Nathan got his farewell tour. On to the next place!

I hardly took any photos today, but I here is a video of the Top-Thrill Dragster. It was as scary as it looks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-CD6misY40

That’s it for today. We’re heading through Michigan, Indiana, and finish hopefully in Louisville, Kentucky. Until then, have a great day Motherf#*$&#rs!